Irene ‘Wounding’ Weekend Box Office
I believe I may have found the worst news story in the history of news reporting. My life’s mission is now to destroy Jeff Daniels of CNBC, completely and utterly. From every point in the timestream, in this and all other universes.
From the title, you can guess the subject: CNBC has done some crack reporting on the apparently counterintuitive result that a natural disaster may cause a dip in theater revenue. The title alone was enough to get me to click through, where I was treated to this little beauty:
“Hurricane Irene is definitely wounding this weekend’s box office, but only by washing away a couple million off the top of our estimates,” Boxoffice Magazine’s Amy Nicholson tells CNBC. “To be honest, none of this weekend’s three new releases was projected to open to more than $12 million.”
Yes, she used the phrase “washing away.” She could not let it go. In the face of a natural disaster, she still had to slip the pun in there.
Brava.
Oh wait, she’s not done yet? Crap.
Nicholson said the marketing on new releases “just wasn’t there to motivate people to leave their houses regardless of the weather. At least those executives now have an act-of-God excuse for why their films underperformed.”
A cogent analysis. Hollywood marketing is not yet good enough to compel people to brave a hurricane.
And yes, the real winner of Hurricane Irene? Film company executives.
These two quotes alone would have been enough for me to write this piece up. But wait! Daniels has one more trick up his sleeve. Because Amy Nicholson was somehow not offensive enough on her own, Daniels dug up this quote for the final paragraph:
Meanwhile, Time Warner Cable issued a press release saying “Hurricane Irene gives Time Warner Cable customers the perfect excuse to get caught up with on demand shows and movies.”
It was at this point that I picked up my chair, threw it through the window, jumped out, and ran screaming into the night.